Trainer Handbook

STEP 4: DEFENDING RIGHTS

STEP 4: Defending oneself against violations of rights

Note for the trainer: Help participants recognise that saying “No” to imposed or boundary-crossing requests from friends, neighbours or acquaintances in daily life is not quarrelsome behaviour; it is an assertiveness skill that protects their mental well-being.

Method: Metaphorical explanation and case analysis.

Materials: Whiteboard and case examples from daily life.

Implementation steps:

Thermostat metaphor for maintaining a safe distance: The trainer opens the activity with the following words and writes “Thermometer” and “Thermostat” on the board:

“Dear colleagues, in daily life our neighbours, relatives or people in our social circle may sometimes make unfair demands that cross our boundaries and disregard our plans. They may do so through emotional pressure such as ‘kindness’, ‘being a good neighbour’ or ‘You are being rude’, or through a forceful tone — the Shark strategy. At that moment, what we do is of vital importance:

If you become a ‘Thermometer’:You act according to the temperature of the environment. When the other person imposes something on you, you may flare up, shout and argue; or, conversely, you may shrink back, accept an unwanted task so as not to appear rude, and then resent the person for days. In both cases, you fail to protect your boundary.

If you become a ‘Thermostat’:You do not allow the other person’s pressure to determine your response. You maintain a safe emotional distance. Without taking the person’s impulsive or insistent behaviour personally, you respond calmly but firmly and regulate the emotional temperature of the situation through your own calmness. You do not need to shout to protect your boundary; you make your words clear.”

Everyday-life case scenario: The trainer reads the case to the group or projects it on the board:

Case: You have completed a very busy and tiring week. You have been looking forward to spending the weekend alone at home, resting and clearing your mind. On Saturday morning, the doorbell rings. You open the door and find your upstairs neighbour standing there with their keys. In an agitated, insistent and completely imposing tone — the Shark style — the neighbour says:

“Ayşe/Ahmet, I have to leave the city urgently. I am leaving the key with you for the weekend. Go into our flat twice a day, feed the cat, give it water and water the flowers. I do not want any objections; we are neighbours, after all. What is the point of living next to one another if we do not help? I am leaving it to you!” Before you can answer, the neighbour places the keys on the table and begins to leave.

Step-by-step case analysis in “Thermostat Mode”

The trainer asks participants: “How can we use professional ‘I’ language in this situation without turning the relationship into hostility, but also without sacrificing the weekend rest that we need so much?”

The assertive intervention plan is structured on the board in three steps:

1. Create a safe emotional distance (inner thermostat)

When your neighbour places the key on the table and creates pressure through guilt, silence for three seconds the primitive reactions that your brain produces: ‘It would be rude; accept it’ (Passive), or ‘How disrespectful; take your key and leave’ (Aggressive). Breathe out deeply. Recognise that the neighbour’s haste and imposition belong to them, not to you, and create emotional distance. Straighten your posture and establish clear eye contact.

2. Reflect the other person’s situation (begin without blame)

If you begin directly with “How thoughtless you are”, you become a thermometer. Instead, begin with a sentence that shows you have heard how difficult the situation is for the other person:

“Ms Esra, I hear and understand that an urgent situation has arisen and that you are under considerable pressure to find a solution for your home while you are away.”

3. Use assertive “I” language and state your personal boundary

After indicating that you understand the other person, state your own boundary and need immediately and with unwavering clarity:

“...However, I have also completed a very intense and exhausting week. I have a strong need to spend this weekend resting completely at home and taking time for myself. Therefore, I cannot take on this responsibility this weekend and I cannot accept the key. If you wish, we can quickly consider an alternative, such as asking another neighbour. What do you think?”

Question for the trainer

After completing the analysis, the trainer turns to the group and asks:

“Dear colleagues, how many times in daily life have we given up our own rights and fallen into the Passive Triangle because we could not say ‘No’ to a neighbour, friend or relative? The more we practise the ability to remain a ‘Thermostat’ and use ‘I’ language in daily life, the more we protect ourselves from unnecessary burdens of stress. What do you think will change when we take this daily-life skill with us into our work with children in the institution and into our personal lives?”