GUIDE FOR CAREGIVERS
Emotion Coaching
7. Emotion Coaching: Coping with Aggression and Impulsivity
Anger Is Natural, but Aggression Is Unacceptable
Anger outbursts and aggression are challenging for many caregivers. The guide distinguishes between anger, an emotion that all people experience, and aggression, behaviour that harms people or objects. The caregiver’s task is not to prevent anger but to help the child develop impulse-control, self-regulation and emotion-regulation skills so that anger is less likely to become hitting, biting or throwing.
Parenting Styles and Their Effects on Emotional Development
There are three broad response styles in emotional moments:
Emotion-Dismissing Parent/Caregiver — Treats the child’s emotions, especially unpleasant ones, as unimportant or temporary and may quickly dismiss or distract from them, for example: “There’s nothing to cry about.” This can lead children to believe that their feelings are wrong and to suppress them.
Permissive / Laissez-Faire Parent/Caregiver — Accepts the child’s emotions and empathises but does not set behavioural limits or support problem-solving, for example by not intervening when the child hits or screams during a tantrum. Children raised in this style may find it harder to learn to control their impulses.
Emotion-Coaching Parent/Caregiver — Treats emotional crises as opportunities to connect and teach skills while also setting behavioural boundaries. This approach aims for a healthy balance of empathy and boundary-setting.
Dr John Gottman’s Five-Step Emotion Coaching Formula
Dr John Gottman’s emotion-coaching approach outlines five steps that can be applied during moments of crisis
01 Be Aware — Notice the child’s emotion, and your own, even when the intensity is still low.
02 See It as an Opportunity — Treat an outburst of anger or sadness as an opportunity to move closer, connect and teach rather than simply push the child away.
03 Listen with Empathy and Validate — Show that you understand the child’s inner experience, for example: “I can see that you’re very disappointed right now.” Validation does not mean permitting harmful behaviour; it means acknowledging the emotional experience.
04 Help Them Name the Emotion — Guide the child towards a more precise name for what they feel, for example: “It sounds as though you felt left out.”
05 Set Limits and Solve the Problem — Set a clear limit on behaviour and offer alternatives, for example: “It is okay to feel angry, but I can’t let you hit. We can use a safe way to release the energy, and then we can think about how to solve the problem.”
Brain “Modes” in a Crisis
You can recognise the child’s brain “mode” during a crisis as follows:
Survival Mode (Hitting/Breaking) — If the child is hitting or throwing objects, the brain is sounding a danger alarm and logical thinking becomes very difficult.
Emotional Mode (Shouting/Crying) — If the child is screaming or shouting, the child is being overtaken by emotion.
While the child is in these two modes, their capacity to hear you or solve problems is greatly reduced. For them to think logically again, they first need to feel safe. Respond calmly and compassionately rather than with punishment or escalation.
Home Activities for Different Age Groups
The Cotton-Blowing Game
How to do it: Lie down facing each other and place a small cotton ball between you. The rule is that the cotton may be blown only after the adult gives the “Blow” command. Purpose: To practise waiting for a turn, listening to a cue and inhibiting an immediate impulse in a playful activity.
Emotion Play with Puppets
How to do it: Use two puppets or soft toys to act out a familiar home conflict, such as two children struggling to share a toy. Let the child express intense feelings through a puppet from a safer distance, and then explore how the puppets can reach an understanding by “talking” instead of hitting. Purpose: To support emotional expression and problem-solving through play.