Note to the trainer: Emphasise how the boundary-setting and play techniques learnt today can increase the child’s capacity for “secure attachment”. Reinforce the difference between being a thermometer that reacts impulsively to events and a thermostat that maintains its internal balance.
Method: Metaphor/anecdotal narration.
1. The thermostat metaphor: The trainer reinforces the session using the following words:
“Dear caregivers, throughout this module we have seen that young children cannot calm themselves on their own; they need our calmness. We must stop being thermometers that immediately heat up or cool down according to the environment and become ‘thermostats’ that regulate their own internal temperature despite all the crises in the room. If we remain calm, the child will learn to withdraw into the turtle shell and surf the wave.”
Feature of the device: A thermometer is passive. It measures the temperature of the environment and rises accordingly. If there is a fire outside, the thermometer also shoots into the red zone.
Equivalent in practice: During a crisis, the child’s brain is in Survival or Emotional mode; the child is shouting, throwing objects or slamming doors. If, as a caregiver, you become impatient, raise your voice and flare up with ‘Who do you think you are behaving like that?’, you are responding to the storm in the child’s brain with a storm of your own. This is what it means to be a thermometer. By looking at the child’s red zone, you also move into the red zone.
The result? The crisis in the room doubles, the atmosphere catches fire and both sides enter a power struggle in survival mode.
Feature of the device: A thermostat is active and has a target. No matter how hot or cold the environment becomes, it works to bring the room to a predetermined ideal temperature (for example, 22 degrees). It is not controlled by the surrounding chaos; it guides the environment.
Equivalent in practice: No matter how intense the child’s crisis in the sitting room, you remember that you are the person setting the ‘weather’ in the room. You remind yourself of the 90-Second Rule and tune your body language to an open and calm position (the Green Zone). While the child is in the red zone, you remain an unwavering green zone. While the child shouts, you consciously lower your voice. This is what it means to be a thermostat. By maintaining your own internal temperature - your calmness - you gradually draw the stormy atmosphere in the room towards your own level, towards calmness.
The Reality that “Young Children Cannot Calm Themselves on Their Own”
Neurological basis: As shown in the preceding diagram, children’s logical brain and self-control mechanisms are not yet developed to the same degree as those of an adult. Expecting a child in crisis to tell themselves, ‘I will stop, breathe and calm down’, is like asking a baby who has not yet learnt to walk to run.
The caregiver’s role: Children learn to calm down not by themselves, but by holding on to our calmness. In psychology this is called co-regulation. When the child hears the steady rhythm of your voice and sees the compassionate yet firm expression in your eyes, the lower brain (the amygdala) gradually calms down. The child receives the message: ‘The adult in front of you is not falling apart; you are safe; you can turn off the alarm.’
“Dear colleagues, tomorrow, when you begin your shift and hear a scream or the sound of a fight coming from the sitting room or bedrooms, ask yourself this magical question as you quicken your steps: ‘Am I entering this room as a thermometer or as a thermostat?’ If you enter the room as a thermostat and can surf the children’s stormy waves with your own calmness, the child will gradually copy that calmness from you, learn to withdraw into the turtle shell and develop an internal thermostat. Remember: the thing that will calm children’s storms is the unwavering harbour that we offer them.” Ask, “Which of these techniques could change the way you communicate with the child you find most difficult in the institution?” and enable everyone to share how they would apply it.