Note to the trainer: Practise the “Three-Step Formula for Understanding the Child” through a case.
Method: Case analysis.
Materials: Case cards.
1. Presenting the formula: The trainer explains the three-step formula:
“When building a bridge of empathy with a child, we follow these three steps:
1) Listen to understand, not to answer.
2) Reflect what you have noticed, like a mirror (‘This situation seems to have overwhelmed you’).
3) Acknowledge and validate the child’s emotion (‘It is very normal to feel this way; anyone in your place would feel the same’).” 2. Case analysis: Examine the case of “a child who lost their place in the queue in the dining hall and therefore shouted at a friend”. Participants are asked to analyse step by step how they would approach the child using these three steps.
“Dear colleagues, we are now going to consider a case that you could encounter at any moment in practice. It is very familiar, but contains deep meanings. Please picture it:
Case: Ali is ten years old. He entered the institution six months ago and has a history of serious neglect and anxiety about access to resources (hunger and uncertainty). On this day, his favourite meal is being served in the dining hall. Ali happily joins the queue and waits patiently. Just as his turn arrives, an older child who lives in the same corridor, aged thirteen, lightly pushes Ali with a shoulder and moves in front of him.
Ali freezes for a moment. A few seconds later, his face turns bright red, he clenches his fists and shouts loudly enough for everyone in the dining hall to hear: ‘What are you doing? Everyone is against me; you take everything away from me! I hate you and I hate this institution!’ He then strikes the table hard with the food tray in his hand. Everyone in the dining hall turns and looks at Ali.”
“Colleagues, if we first look at Ali’s enormous reaction through Adult Glasses, what do we see? ‘It was only a queue; he would have received his meal 30 seconds later. What a bad-tempered and difficult child.’ Now let us remove those glasses and put on the Empathy Glasses. Ali experienced neglect in the past; his rights, space and safety were repeatedly violated. The food queue is not simply a queue for Ali; it represents ‘his rights, visibility, effort and justice’. When someone moves in front of him, Ali’s primitive brain (the amygdala) immediately enters Survival/Threat mode and sends the signal: ‘Your rights are being violated again; you are being ignored again; attack to protect yourself!’ Ali’s reaction is not only to that moment, but to the profound sense of injustice created by his past.”
Intervention Analysis Using the “Three-Step Formula for Understanding the Child”
The trainer divides the group into teams of three or four and asks them to practise how a caregiver approaching Ali would manage the crisis according to the formula:
When Ali shouts and strikes the tray, we will not shout from a distance, ‘Calm down, do not shout, wait for your turn’ - we will not be a thermometer. We will immediately approach Ali and lower ourselves to his eye level. While Ali cries out, we will not interrupt him or become defensive by saying, ‘But raising your voice is not right.’ We will simply look into his eyes and, with our full attention, allow him to release the intense emotion.
Because Ali’s brain is in the red zone, he cannot see his own feeling. Using the labelling power of RULER, we will reflect his emotion back to him:
“Ali, you are very angry right now and your face has turned bright red. Because the place in the queue that you waited for patiently was taken from you, you feel deeply wronged and ignored. I understand you.”
Note that we are not approving Ali’s action of striking the tray on the table or shouting; we are validating the profound feeling of injustice that he experienced.
“I know that you have been waiting here for several minutes, Ali. It is very hurtful when someone moves in front of you just as your turn arrives. Anyone in your position would feel deeply wronged and angry. It is very normal to feel this way.”
“Dear caregivers, do you know what will change in Ali’s brain when we apply these three steps? Ali will think, ‘The adult in front of me is not punishing me; this adult understands me; I am here and I am valuable’, and the danger alarm in his brain will gradually turn off. Only after Ali has calmed down and moved into the upper brain - Logic mode - can we proceed to the ‘Boundary and Problem-Solving’ stage:
‘Ali, it is very normal to become angry when you are treated unfairly, but I cannot allow you to strike the tray on the table. Now that you are calm, shall we go together to speak to the other child and assert your rights using the Fox or Owl strategy and “I” language?’
Now I ask you: are there children in your institution who, like Ali, enter the red zone in a struggle over resources or rights? What do you imagine would change in the situation if you approached them using these three steps from today onwards?”