Assertiveness

5. Assertiveness Skills: Self-Expression and Standing Up for Your Rights

What Is Assertiveness?

According to a personal-skills model associated with Reuven Bar-On’s work on emotional intelligence, assertiveness is the ability to express abilities, beliefs and thoughts openly and to defend legitimate rights in a constructive, non-violent way. Assertiveness also involves setting personal boundaries while respecting the boundaries and rights of others.

Communication Styles: Passive, Aggressive, Passive-Aggressive and Assertive

To help children stand up for their rights, the guide introduces four communication styles:

Passive (Withdrawn) Communication — Avoids conflict, struggles to express needs and may say “yes” when wanting to say “no”. The underlying belief is: “My needs are not important.”

Aggressive Communication — Dominates conversations, interrupts, criticises and tries to control events. The underlying belief is: “Only my needs matter.”

Passive-Aggressive Communication — Appears agreeable on the surface but expresses anger indirectly through sarcasm, behind-the-scenes behaviour or silence. The core belief is: “I won’t say this directly, but I’ll make you feel it.”

Assertive Communication — Honest, direct and respectful. The person states boundaries clearly while listening to the other person with empathy. The healthy belief is: “My needs matter, and so do yours.”

A Powerful Tool: “I” Statements

At the heart of assertive communication are “I” statements. Accusatory expressions such as “You never listen to me!” or “You’re so selfish!” can put the other person on the defensive. An “I” statement allows the speaker to take responsibility for their own feelings and needs without blaming. For example: “I feel unheard when I don’t have your full attention” rather than “You always…”.

Setting Boundaries and Being Able to Say “No”

Many people struggle to say “no” because they fear rejection or disappointing others. Teaching a child to say “no” appropriately supports personal well-being and healthy relationships. Saying “no” does not have to mean being rude or selfish; it can be a way of respecting personal boundaries, time and values. The ability to say “no” assertively is one of the most important forms of protection against peer pressure.

Simple Home Games
Passive, Aggressive and Assertive Role-Play

How to do it: Choose an everyday situation, for example a friend repeatedly asking to copy homework. Ask the child to respond first passively, then aggressively, and finally assertively—for example: “I can help you with the part you’re stuck on, but I can’t let you copy my homework.” Purpose: To compare the consequences of different communication styles and experience assertiveness as a constructive, non-violent approach.

Turn “You” Statements into “I” Statements

How to do it: Give the child an accusatory sentence such as “You always take my toys without permission!” and ask them to reformulate it as an “I” statement, for example: “I get very upset when my toys are taken without permission, and I want my belongings to be respected.” Purpose: To practise clear self-expression by taking responsibility for one’s own feelings rather than blaming the other person.